In Keeping Heidi Close, Cindy Perkins shares her open and heartfelt pain, guilt, “if only’s,” hope, tears, journaling, letter writing, bargaining, therapy, spiritual struggles, and all that came with the death of her young daughter in the car that she was driving. With openness and honesty, she describes the accident and the compendium of things she tried to help heal her heart after this unthinkable loss. She shares watching her young son struggle with the profound loss of his big sister and, later, his survivor guilt as he became the “older brother,” many years older than she ever got to be.

Her perspective today to say “Yes, I am here, in my life!” speaks through the pages of this book. Yes, the pain is still in her heart. She has moved from those early days of not wanting to open her eyes to her new reality. She has learned how to hold her hurting soul and has gone on to have a wonderful, fulfilling life. She has changed and grown because of the loss of Heidi and the experiences that she was forced to have. She would change every bit of that to have Heidi back, but that is not to be.

There is no road map. She is not in any way saying she knows the answers. She does not. She is reaching out to grieving parents and others experiencing profound loss so that, maybe, they might grab hold of something in her journey that gives them a piece of hope to grow from. This book is an invitation into her experiences and her heart and soul as she searched for new meanings and a way to learn to live with her pain and guilt.

Available on Amazon and barnesandnoble.com

Reviews

“I am struck by the honesty and vulnerability that Cindy has put forth in this book about her journey since her daughter, Heidi, died in 1994. She is not afraid to talk about the hardest feelings and at the same time is able to bring joy and hope forward as she has walked through the years. She tells of messages and new ways of communicating with Heidi in several forms. Cindy’s experiences beg the question: Why would we want to limit God’s ways of walking with us through our lives?”

– Rev. Don Hayn, Retired ELCA

“It seems strange to refer to a book about a mother losing her daughter from this world as beautiful but that’s the word that comes to mind. The combination of journal entries, poetry and drawings from those early days along with your hindsight reflections are layered together so beautifully. It’s such a raw look at the complexity of grief and the many ways we try to make sense of losses that are incomprehensible.”

– Renee Cunningham, Owner of Oliver & Friends Bookshop

“One does not have to be a grieving parent to read this beautiful book. It brings readers hope, as well as a myriad of choices to learn to cope, not only with grief, but with life.”

– Patricia Ferrara Fuchs, MS Ed Counseling, Artist, Poet/Writer

“This book is such a labor of love. I truly can’t believe it will be 30 years since dear Heidi left, and now is watching over us. Author, teacher, advocate, mother, sister, friend: You are the whole package.”

– Deede Russell Baiti, Grieving Grandmother

“This is a powerful message that you’re bravely putting out there with Heidi, and really important. I was sitting here all teary this morning.”

– Jenn Shaffer, Artist

“Thank you Cindy and Heidi for sharing your tender story of the deepest love between mom and daughter, here and there.  Your combined presence of grace nurtures our Souls to look for and to find peace amongst the most painful of life’s experiences.”

– M. B. Russell RN, Intuitive Consultant, Reiki Master/Teacher, CranioSacral Practitioner

“In reading the pages of this book, I’m struck by the gift we receive while reading these pages which is totally dependent on vulnerability. We feel this mom’s honest assessment of pain, loss and ongoing questions … we wrestle with the invisibility of a rulebook for how to properly process whatever pain happens in us … and we come to see that another’s journey is nearly incomprehensible. Nearly. Perkins reaches a hand and a heart — dripping with her own vulnerability — so that we can all experience a morsel of wonder that has immeasurable depth. What a gift!”

– Knute Ogren, Director of Development & Communications, Intern Coordinator Calumet Outdoor Ministries, Ossipee, NH

About Cindy

Cindy Mitchell Perkins, MA, LCPC lives in Maine with her dog, Luna. On June 10, 1994 her car was struck from behind instantly killing her 11-year-old daughter Heidi. Today Cindy maintains a private psychotherapy practice, teaches Theraplay®, participates in running races, and spends as much time as she can with her friends and family. She loves to read, go camping, ride her bicycle, kayak, and spend time with children. She finished her public school career in 2011 after being a teacher of most grades from pre-k through adult education and spending the second half of her school career as a school counselor. She has presented since the 1980’s at professional conferences on topics varying from teaching math, using music and rhythm in therapy, and employing various attachment and trauma interventions. She has run workshops on stress reduction, Zentngle®, creativity, and grief.

In 2023 she published a chapter in a professional book, Theraplay®, Innovations and Integration Edited by Rana Hong and A. Rand Coleman. Her chapter, “Music, Rhythm, and the Safe and Sound Protocol in Theraplay,” helps child and family therapists integrate these modalities. It is Cindy’s hope that this book might offer a nugget of help to anyone out there who is grieving the death of a child or loved one. She can be reached http://www.cindymitchellperkins.com. This is her first book.

About Heidi

Heidi Louise Tobiason lived her life in 11 years! She put full energy into those 11 years. There was nothing she tackled that was done with less than full commitment and drive. She continued on in that determined spirit in her new ways as described in this book. She loved her family and friends with her whole heart. She especially adored her brother, Hans. She talked and asked questions without time to take many breaths. Her spiritual presence is very much alive in this book as shown by her contributions. She was a friend to all and if you were her friend you were part of her family.

I hope by reading this book you feel as if you have been added to her friend list as she would want you to be. This is her first book.